Feeling unapologetic

1 year ago, I lost a friend because I dared having a stomach ulcer on his birthday and had to go to hospital.

2 year ago, I’ve lost a friend because for the very first time (and last) of my life I’ve reached to her whilst being extremely suicidal and feared for my own life but she had her “own problems” (she didn’t have the right dress for an event).

3 year ago, my “best friend” told me that I needed an exorcist because hearing voices isn’t natural.

I’ve talked a lot about friendship in this blog. I’ve always struggled with people. I don’t know if it is because I’m an introvert or because I have mental illnesses or because of a mix of them both. But I’ve always struggled with people.

After meeting with someone (a friend or someone I like), I think over and over again about what I’ve said, what I should have said, what I shouldn’t have said. I feel guilty if I spoke too much or not enough, if I didn’t ask questions or asked too many, etc.

I know this is common with introverts but also with people with mental illnesses.

Dealing with depression and DID mean that I am feeling guilty of something at all time for (most of the time) no reason. Reaching for someone in dark moment requires a lot of energy and like many depression sufferers, I am really good at hiding it or minimising it.

But you know what ? Most people are selfish. Every single day of my life, I battle with myself, with my own thoughts whilst helping others, being there when needed. I do not believe in selfishness, I do believe that humans should live in harmony and help each others.

My depression is making me cynical and negative, I’m losing hope every single day.

But I am done feeling apologetic when I’m feeling crap and need help. If you can’t be there for me that one time, you don’t deserve my friendship.