******** Trigger Warning ********
There isn’t a lot of things I hate about DID but the flashbacks are the worse for me.
Today (Sunday) is my only day off so I always welcome a nice relaxing Saturday night followed by a long night peaceful sleep. But noooooooooooo ! My alters have other plans for me.
I can live with most of the flashbacks but some I find them too difficult and I don’t want the details. Like the rape.
I know we have been raped by my first boyfriend. I know is was a complete dickhead anyway. I’ve known about the rape since last year and that was enough for me. It took me almost a year to get over it, to accept it, to tell my parents and some of my friends.
But I don’t want the details. I know it’s not nice for Ana and Anabelle that I refused to have the details but what about me? I don’t want to relive that, I don’t want to remember.
Last night was flashbacks after flashbacks of the rape. This morning, I feel like shit. I’m shaking and I have a headache.
If you thought that DID, it’s just me talking to my lovely alters all day long, think again. DID is also having to face all the nasty stuff everyone did to you, it’s feeling like shit after such episode, it’s feeling tired after a switch, it’s having to relive the worst moments of your life over and over again. Welcome in my head !
I know it is difficult for some to comprehend DID but believe me, I would not wish it to my worst enemy, to have gone through half of what I went through, to have been use and abuse by so many people, to feel lonely most of the time even with the chatter in my head.
This morning, I am not feeling good and I don’t know how to shake off the feeling. I can feel his hands on me, his laughs, his words. I can feel the rape and it is horrible. I am so angry and ashamed at the same time. He abused me when I was already down and dealing with so much shit, he abused me and he knew it was bad, he abused me and he knew I wouldn’t say anything because I needed him in my life, he abused me because I trusted him.
This morning, I feel like shit.