Something’s been bugging me for months now: Who am I ?
As someone with DID, I don’t know who I am most of the time. I’m not talking about switching or alters but I am talking about me, Ama, the main host.
For the past few months, I ask myself every day “what do I want to be?”, “am I on the way to become the person I want to be?”.
But more importantly I always ask myself: if I die, like right now, what would people write on my tombstone? I don’t want them to define me as “stressed” or “depressed” or “hard worker”. I want to be remember for being kind and friendly and caring. That’s what I want to do.
To be honest with you , I thought everyone was doing the “tombstone theory” but after talking to a coach couple of weeks ago, I realised that’s not the case. That’s one of my little thoughts.
So what do I want to be remembered for:
- being kind and caring: I volunteered and support many charities. I am in a process to work for free (within my business) for one of them.
- being friendly: I always try to be here for my friends and family and I try to pay compliments and talks to strangers.
- happy: yes I want to be remembered to have turned my life around and that I am happy. I’m working hard towards that every day, believe me.
- being inspirational: yes I want to be remembered for giving hope to some people. I am working towards that. I’m writing a book, I want to become a mental health speaker.
I don’t want to be remembered for my depression or my suicide attempts or my self harming or my eating disorders or my stress at work. Those aren’t “me”, they don’t define me. They are part of me but I want to be more than that.
I have to say that since I do that every day, I am much happier because I am not doing the things that “society” want me to do or what my family want me to be. I detach myself almost completely and I am doing it for myself. J. is always supporting but I don’t ask him his opinions. I know what’s good for myself, no one can tell me what I need to do. I need guidance not rules.
So, what would your tombstone say ? Ask yourself and work towards it, it will give you the goal you need. If you want to be remembered for working hard at a job and become a director or something, then do so. Just become who YOU want to be, not what others wanted you to be for so many years.
Here you go, I hope this article will bring you a little bit of hope and clarity. And remember, you are awesome !