D.I.D I say crazy ?

I’m going on holiday on Sunday for a week. No no, I am not going somewhere sunny and fun, I’m going to see my parents. J. is coming with me of course (thank God, I don’t know what I would do without him there).

Don’t make me wrong, I love my mum and my step dad and my brother and his wife. But it is so hard to be with my mum. Worst part, she took the week off work. Not only I will have to control my switches, my anger, my feelings in general but I will have to do 24/7 !

Again, I love my mum, a lot but it is hard to be my mum’s mum all the time. She is just a big kid, all. the. freaking. time. I was always there to support her and it is super hard because she pushes me to switch all the time. I cannot explain it precisely but she knows how to push my button to have her needs meet.

I cannot be me at home, I have to be The Mum (whose the other host along Ama). So everyone think I am cold and strong-headed and detached and hard and, and, and.

Example: beginning of February, she texted me to tell me she’s been signed off work by the doctor for 2 weeks. That’s it. Before, I would have called straight away, tell her what to do, how to deal with this, etc. This time (after so much work with my therapist), I didn’t texted her back. I texted my step dad the next day. She has depression herself and was signed off work, other than that she was fine. Couple of weeks later, I had a stomach ulcer, I then texted her telling her what was going on in details. To “punish” me, she replied asking me if I left a review for my auntie’s website. It’s always like that, she is always making me feel guilty or bad about myself if I don’t go her way.

She mostly does it subconsciously, but it is hard for me because I work so hard on myself and my alters and she is the last one to make me switch. And she doesn’t even care about my DID ! She never asked questions about it or my therapy. As long as I am here for her, it doesn’t matter.

When I told her last year that I was raped by my first boyfriend, she simply replied to me that she knew, like it didn’t matter. Yes it didn’t matter to her as long as I was the good little girl and do everything for her. I was so angry.

I am not angry anymore, or at least not as much but it is always hard to be with her a full week.

I have to work whilst on holiday because I have a client meeting when I come back and I cannot go unprepared. I know that she will annoy me because I have to work. She doesn’t understand that I am trying to build my business and I cannot refuse a contract just because of holidays, it doesn’t work that way. I know she is going to cry and pout, like a 3 years old. Even Emily doesn’t do it.

Sometimes my mum wonders why I left my country…

Ok that post sounds really harsh against my mum. I’m not, I promise, it’s just hard. I always have to consider her feelings etc and people are giving me hard time if I don’t help my mum etc but no one understand what she put me through since I was 3 years old. I lived my life through her, because of her, for her. And what do I get in return ? I am a bad daughter, “your mum won’t live forever”, etc. Yeah I know all that, thank you. But what about me and my feelings ?

I’m feeling so triggered and tired. I’m preparing myself but whatever how much preparation I do, it’s never enough.

Any tips from anyone ?

 

PS: I don’t want to reread what I’ve just wrote so it is very raw and probably with mistakes.