OK…. heu… I’ve been in therapy with Dr.R since April 2010. She is the one that diagnosed me with DID.
Ana & Anabelle – The challenging alters
We did a big work with Treize and Emily years ago but Ana and Anabelle proved to be the most “difficult” ones. I’m not trying to undermine what they went through. If anything, I can only thank them because without them, I would be dead. I’m not going to lie, there are the most challenging to deal with. They self-harm the Body, they always telling me that they want me to die, they are suicidal and depressed, they don’t want to cooperate with me and don’t particularly like J.
Can I blame them ? Not really. They have been raped, they protected me and were in the front for at least 3 years, they protected my other alters, they helped my mum through the divorce and my brother. But they are angry. So much anger.
When they are around, I have a ball in my stomach, I can feel their anger and their frustration. I’ve learnt that I am not the one depressed but Ana and Anabelle are.
First breakthrough – February 2015
We did a massive work with them last year around the same time and we learnt that we were raped by my first boyfriend (I thought I lost my virginity with my second boyfriend). We both knew that the work with them wasn’t finished but I went through 2 massive bout of depression and refused to do more work with them. Come on! Can you blame me? It’s freaking hurt (physically and mentally).
Second breakthrough ? – February 2016
Few weeks ago, my therapist brought it up again that we needed to do more work with Ana and Anabelle.
I booked 3 sessions, last one was yesterday (29/02/16). I think we finally managed to understand a little bit more why they are so angry.
We are blaming ourselves for my mum’s life. My mum married my dad because she was pregnant with me and her life was hell; he was an alcoholic, he was beating her up and was unfaithful (and everyone knew it). After that, my first brother died when I was 4 and my parents had another baby when I was 5. My brother was always protected, by my mum, by me. There is more to that part of my life but it isn’t the point here.
After all that, my jealousy towards my brother grew stronger. He had everything, I had nothing. My mum loves me, don’t make me wrong but my brother was preferred. She even forbid me to see my granny because I was her favourite and she hated the fact that my brother wasn’t. I’m not proud to say that I tried few times to beat him up (like daddy to mummy?).
For a very long time, I felt like I was living my life through my mum. I had curfews until I was 20 years old (and left the country). If I was late, she was making me feel guilty and threaten me to kill herself. She sometimes woke me up during the night to go with her and follow my step dad (she thought he was unfaithful). I had good grades at school and when I wasn’t noone cared. When I chose my uni, she made feel so guilty that I chose a uni near to my home. I was working on the morning in a bakery, then went to school, then I was a waitress on the evening. During school holiday, I was working in a factory. All my money paid for my study and food for the family.
Between, all that I started to be raped by my boyfriend. When I told my mum last year, she said that she had suspicions, yet didn’t do anything. Can I blame Ana and Anabelle for being so angry ? We don’t trust anyone. Can I blame them ?
I’ve been abandoned, all my life. By everyone.
What’s left ?
Fuck it’s hard writing all this. There is more to it but cannot write it down, it makes things real.
The anger has left me for now but sadness and emptiness are well here. I’m giving myself some time to digest.
I’m glad Ana & Anabelle talked to me, to my therapist. I’m a mess right now but it can only get better, right ?