I promised myself at the beginning of the year to write a blog post at least once a week. The thing is, right now, I don’t want to blog but somehow I know it would help me.
This week isn’t a good week. Don’t ask me why, if I knew I would do something about it. What do you want me to say?! Depression is a bitch.
I’m spiralling down towards depression since last week. I feel empty and disconnected (ahhh derealisation, I’ve missed you!) I have all reasons to be happy, as usual, yet I don’t. I want to cry and when I don’t feel like crying, I want to sleep. I’m tired. All. Freaking. Time. Anything I’m doing, I feel like sleeping for days after that.
This morning I warn J. that depression is on the way and he got upset with me. He wants me to fight against it but I’m so freaking tired of fighting. I’ve been fighting since I was 5 years, don’t I have the right to actually give up and let it happen ?
Next week I have an appointment with my therapist to work with Ana and Anabelle. I’m dreading it. I don’t want to. It’s moment like that I wish I’ve never had DID or even worse that I’ll dead. Yep, death wishes coming my way also ! Oh great ! Next step will be self harming. I fucking know how my cycles work and don’t seem to be able to break it. I’m frustrating with myself, with my alters, with J., with everything and everyone. I can’t see the point of anything and feel useless and insignificant. I’m losing hope and I hate it.
OK I’m stopping here for today (my keyboard isn’t waterproof not wall-proof).