I’m going to try to document some of my therapy sessions.
Soooo…. today I had a therapy session with Dr R.
Last year, we had a major breakthrough with Ana and Anabelle when we learnt that they were raped by my ex-boyfriend. 2015 was hard and we went through 2 big bout of depression. I refused after that to do more work with my 2 alters. I was talking to them but didn’t want to switch during session with them.
My therapist prefer to do controlled switch but it leaves my exhausted and with a migraine. I don’t like it but I know it is for the best.
For the past couple of months, Dr R. keep asking me if I was ready to do more work with Ana and Anabelle. I know that the work is not done and I am scared. Scared to learn more. What if….?
I agreed this morning to do a big session in 2 weeks time and we will have a switch to work with them. It leaves me time to prepare myself and talk to Ana and Anabelle. It sounds probably weird for everyone else that I can talk to my alters yet I do not want to switch during session. You see, I don’t have the best relationship with them but we have to get along. I hate switching with them at home because it usually means self harming and eating disorder. So yes, I talk to them but I don’t want to… kindda.
They have a lot to say and work to do. I can feel their anger most of the time and their sadness also which sometimes prevent me to feel happy. My happy are always greyish. I don’t know how to explain this.
Anyway, this morning session was hard because my therapist forced a switch (I don’t blame her, it was part of our session plan) and it left me sad and depressed. We both agree that I cannot move on in my life until Ana and Anabelle feel better. What’s the hardest for me is that I am scared of what they can say (reveal) and do (attack my therapist for example). They’ve never been violent towards her but this morning, I was feeling so much anger, they’ve asked her to stop being so empathetic towards us and I felt so so much anger. I couldn’t control the switch anymore and they snap at her telling her to shut up. Regaining control is a battle when you have an alter that doesn’t want to switch back.
So here I am, feeling like shit right now, having a migraine and looking forward (or not) to the next session.