Hello everyone !
I was planning to write a post about my dad and step mum today but I just don’t feel like it today. I might write it tomorrow or next week.
Today I want to talk about me and people.
People would usually describe as outgoing and friendly. However inside, it’s not the same. I’m struggling a lot socially but I hide it very well. I have few problems:
I feel a lot. I feel people’s pain quite easily, which is why I either attract or am attracted to people with “problems”. Not all my friends obviously, I’m getting better over time to have good “normal” friends (I hate that word “normal” but I can’t find another one right now, I might change this post later on). And my problem is that I can feel what others feel and it does affect me most of the time. It’s not people’s fault obviously, we cannot control that but it is difficult when someone “plug” on me and my energy, it leave me completely drained and tired. It happened lot less now, again, I think I have better friends around me that few years ago when I was at my most fragile time.
2- I question myself… a lot
I usually don’t know how to be with people. I beat myself up when I come home after seeing a friend for example because I think I talked to much, I didn’t ask questions, I said something that I didn’t mean it in the way I wanted. I try not to cross lines but it is sometimes difficult because my alters have their own experiences and I’m scared that I will appear cocky or a know-it-all. Sometimes, I play stupid just because it’s easier than expressing myself.
I never know when to text or email to invite someone I like for a coffee. I don’t want to be too eager or too distant. I never know what to do. I still don’t know and I am trying to figure it out. Tips welcome !
If a friend doesn’t call/text/email after few days/weeks, I do question myself a lot and blame myself. If someone cancel on me, it can be difficult to “convince” some of my alters that it’s nothing to do with us but that the person is poorly/have an emergency/etc.
Writing it sounds terrible, don’t you think ? I’m not trying to blame anyone obviously, just trying to explain what’s going on in my head… all. the. freaking. time.
3- it’s easier to walk away
My other problem is that if I like someone, I can push them away. It’s easier that going through the previous paragraph. I don’t want to write about that today (I don’t want to write apparently today – Ana and Anabelle are not very cooperative with me today).
4- I’m scared of switching
I would say that most of my friends know about my DID. However it is so hard to explain that I’m not sure if they understand it (of course no blame here, it’s just difficult to put your head around something that you don’t have).
I am scared of switching. Switching at home, I don’t mind. My alters actually know that they are allowed if they ask me to switch. Home is safe. However when I am a bit stress or more tired than usual and meet someone for a coffee or something, I am terrified to switch. They don’t know my alters, they never dealt with someone with DID. What if my alters say something rude or inappropriate. I mean some of my alters are not the best with people.
It’s hard to make friends, to keep friends, don’t you think ? This post is a bit all over the place even if I tried to keep it short and easy to read. You know putting all my thoughts together is super hard most of the time, everything goes at 500 km/h in my head.
I want to add that following my last post, I decide to share this blog with few of my friends (if you are here “hi friend!”. Please don’t take this post personally, I had no one in mind when writing this). I think it’s important for people around me to know what I’m going through. I’ve hidden myself for so long, it feels very weird to know that some people that I actually know in the real life are actually reading this. Step by step I want to be true to myself and stop hiding myself behind what I think is the person they want to be with. I adapt myself to them but it shouldn’t be the case, I should be liked and loved for who I am.
I would love to hear more about how people are dealing with friendships and mental “illness” (We don’t like this word, we are not ill, we actually have a super healthy brain ;) )