I’m back. Last time I posted it was in May, how crazy is that ?!
I have had a hard and long year. 2015 was the year I’ve discovered that I have been raped by my first boyfriend, I had to deal with my dad/step mum, I dealt with my mum’s craziness when they visited me, I questioned my relationship with J. and I got rid of some “friends” that I realised were toxic but mean that I didn’t have any friends left. I had 2 massive bout of depression; one around February and one around September. It has been hard and I couldn’t wait for the year to finish !
Anyway, at the end of the year, I thought a lot. A LOT ! I need to put my life back on track. I feel like I’m a little bit stronger or at least a bit more aware of who I am/want to be/become.
Professionally, I decided to plan myself better instead of procrastinating and worse of all, think. I think far to much. I work 3 days a week for a company and 3 days a week for myself. That’s the theory anyway. Until now, I struggled to put my business in the right place. It overwhelmed me , I didn’t know where to start, what to do and felt terribly lonely. None of my remaining friends are business owners, my boyfriend or family either. When you are a little fragile, tasks can take much more time and effort than usual. I will come back in another post about how I deal with life with my alters/DID and work, I want to talk more about it.
Socially, I made few more mistakes at the end of last year and allowed new people in my life but I didn’t “select” them and got caught in a toxic cycle. I’m breaking free from it right now and hopefully I’m going to be able over time to choose my friends a little bit better.
Love life; my life with J had its ups and downs, like anyone else. Having DID makes J.’s life a little more difficult than maybe another relationship but I am grateful he is still here. I met him 6 months after I was diagnosed (5.5 years ago). We are both in our early 30’s and we both want a family. I am not going to lie, I am terrified by the idea of having a baby; what if I switch whilst looking after the baby, what if I hurt the baby, etc. It might sounds stupid or weird to say that, but it does scare me.
Personally, I realised that writing helps me a lot but I used to put barriers on what I wrote about, how I was writing. I am now done with it. I will write here the way I want. English isn’t my first language so you might find mistakes, etc and that’s fine for me. At the end of the day, I am human, I’m still learning.
I also do not want to hide my DID to anyone, it is part of who I am. So for the past few weeks, I’ve been talking about it to my friends. If they cannot accept that about me, then they can go out of my life. I’m also toying with the idea of putting my picture here and opening a Facebook page for this blog. I will see over time, I don’t want to put pressure on myself.
As you probably gathered by now, I used to put a lot of pressure on myself. I was overly stressed and suffer of tension headaches and migraines, and had to see a chiropractor every couple of weeks because of back problem (related to stress). My insomnia was getting out of hand and nightmares was a common thing. I’m still battling with all that but it gets better since I’ve taken few decisions.
Argh ! I have so much to write about but I need to stop now.
Looking forward to write more often here, I missed it.