I’ve seen lately quite few post about “reverse bucket lists” and find them inspiring (like here from a blog I highly recommend reading, always so many beautiful pictures and yummy recipes).
I think we tend to forget what we have achieved or we don’t take the time to think about all our achievements and it’s a shame. I know I’m very much like a cyclist; I’m pedaling very fast and forget to take a break and reflect on the past in a positive way. Especially with the therapy where we concentrate on the “yucky” stuff. So I decided to have a look back at the past decade of my life.
I wanted at first to do 2 lists but decided against it as my personal and therapy lives and entertwined, both affecting each other. I have achieved a lot during my present therapy, but my journey started before and I achieved so much more than I thought. I can give myself a pat on the back for it. My journey might be less or more than others but it’s mine and I am glad of everything I have done. I won battles ! Many of them !
I came a long way and I am still alive, on my own two feet. I was down, with my knees on the ground, many times but I got back up every time.
So here goes the list:
1- I left my country 10 years ago. I told my parents 2 weeks before my flight.
2- I learned a new language (english) from scratch, I couldn’t speak a word of it.
3- Finding my therapist 5 years ago and being diagnosed with DID. Best. Move. Ever.
4- Learning what DID was and explaining to my family.
5- Meeting all my wonderful alters.
6- Dealing with shed loads with my alters and going through it. Make me much stronger.
7- Stop self harming 3 years ago.
8- Eating disorder in control for 4 years.
9- Connect with my alters, learning about them and giving them a voice.
10- Learnt how to control my switches and recognised the signs of the switch.
11- Connect with my artistic side and enjoying doing stuff with my alters.
12- Meeting J. and understand that all men aren’t bad, that I deserve happiness and to be cared for.
13- Living with him and feeling thankful that he understands DID and communicates with my alters (he recognises them and adapts his speech, even if it means to explain things over and over again)
14- Getting rid of negative people that were surrounding me…
15- … and realising that I don’t need many friends to be happy and that I already live with my best friend.
16- Having the guts to change jobs and quitting the last one.
So here it is, that’s pretty much me. I didn’t want to go into details too much. I am happy about what I achieved. I am fighting and will fight for a very long time but I started to understand that not all battles are the same and are worth fighting for. I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself but I will manage to do that… one day. It’s hard sometimes but looking back at my past in this way and taking time to reflect make me realise what an awesome journey I had, what I’ve done and and accomplished. I have made myself who I am and I can be proud to be who I am.
If you decide to do a “reverse bucket list – DID style”, let me know, I would love to read it and see what you’ve achieved.