Am I a failure ?

I am scared of failures. My own failures to be precise (I am quite understanding with others’ failures).

As I explained briefly in this post, I have a project of opening an online shop. This is for me one of my dreams. Working for myself, not for someone else, enjoying doing something I like.

The problem ? I am terrified and I’m feeling terribly lonely. I am scared f failing. What if no one likes it ? What if I don’t sell anything ? If I fail, I need to go back to a full time job. Do I want that ? Am I ready for that ?

There is always a little part of me (not one of my parts, just a figure of speech) that is telling me that I am going to fail.

This project isn’t just mine, it’s for my others too. We all find this quite relaxing and we all enjoy doing everything. It’s very exciting. Yet I don’t move the project forward. There is always something else to do first. If I carry on talking about it, it can stay real in my head. If I start doing it, then I can fail and ruin my dream.

I truly don’t know what to do anymore.

J. and others around me are actually quite supportive but I’m feeling alone. I know I need a little kick in the bum, I know it but everyone is too nice and gentle with me. They don’t want to upset me  and I understand that but I feel so lonely and need help. I would like someone to tell me “OK today you have to do that and we will talk about it tonight” (and actually talk about it on that evening) or “what did you do today to move your project project forward ?”. I give them excuses for not doing it and they are fine with it. I know I probably sound like a kid that need attention but what if for once, I really need attention ? I never had it. People were always too busy for me, I was the “independent” one, I didn’t need anyone, I was “strong headed” and some still think that about me (like my parents). But I need help and attention this time and I don’t get it.

Now I am failing at starting my project and it upsets me. I now consider going back to a full time job and give up on my dream but I know it will make me unhappy. Will I ever be happy anyway ?

A couple of weeks ago, a friend said to me that being scared is a good thing, that it will help to see and think through. I completely agree with that but my fear is actually preventing me to do anything at all. If I don’t touch it, my dream stay alive (in my dream, I am super successful). I know I put far too much pressure on myself but I don’t know how to stop doing that for the moment.

I am paralysed by the thought of failing. I know this is part of my childhood when my dad or my uncle kept telling me that I was going to be a failure all my life. I would love to prove all of them wrong; my dad, my uncle, some of my “friends”, my step mum. Yet I don’t do anything.

It’s easier to leave it than do it but then I’m not challenging my belief system than telling me that I am a failure.

You see the pattern then I’m in, don’t you ? Well I don’t know what to do anymore. Anyone’s advice are appreciated.

One thought on “Am I a failure ?

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