I wasn’t sure on how to start this blog so I decided to write down what is on my mind. :)
I would like to start the blog by a subject that I’m working (on myself and with my therapist) on at the moment: friendships.
First, a bit of background: I have friends from my childhood and friends that I met later on in life but before my diagnosis, and most of my friends now know about my DID.
Those “old” friends are supposed to be my “best friends”, right ? Those are supposed to be the one that understand me, that know me, that wouldn’t judge me, right ? WRONG ! I’m coming back to that in a minute.
Other things you have to know about me or my parts, is that when I go through a rough time in my life, we usually are very depressed, suicidal (or with suicidal moods) and 2 of my parts tend to self-harm. Also, we tend to stay in our protective bubble, refusing to see or speak to anyone. Big mistake there as we usually need help (who doesn’t in those times?) but I never reach to people. NEVER !
However, if a friend has a problem, I am the type of person that drops everything I’m doing to help that person. I will do everything in my power to help. Yep, one of my alter egos is actually a mum which mean that she loves taking care of everyone. The Mum isn’t actually just an alter ego, I’ve “fused” with her, she is actually a host like me. She is then a big big part of me and my everyday life.
Enough for the background, back to the present.
Since november, we have been going through a rough time, a lot to deal with (that will be another post) and for once, I try to reach to people. With little success…
I stopped texting, emailing, etc my “friends”.
Then at last, I managed to reach out to one of my “best friends” by email, she told me that she couldn’t deal with my problems… Yep, that’s right. This person is supposed to be one of my “best friends”. At first, I said ok, I understand. Then I thought, “hang on a minute, I’m there for you regardless whatever I’m going through, why can’t you?” She gave me some kind of lame excuses and I continued to spiral further down into depression.
Since then, I had a talk with my therapist, and I realised that all my friends from before my diagnosis where attracted to me because they needed a mum at one point in their life (that “best friend” especially) and I was at that time happy to allow them to be mothered by me. However things have changed for me and I do not want that anymore, I want an equal relationship where I don’t feel inferior nor superior.
What should I do ? I am the one that changed, and I’m sure that talking to them won’t change them/anything. Then someone told me, “friends can be there for a reason, a season or a lifetime”. I think that some of my friends and I have arrived at the end of our “adventure” and that I need to let them go, for them, for me and my others.
It makes me terribly unhappy that I’m only seen by them as a mum either conciously or subconciously, it’s not who I am anymore. The Mum wants to live her life as well and is tired of looking after people after almost 30 years of doing so. Does it make me/us a terrible person ?
All that I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned now that friendships have changed throughout my therapy and the more I was learning about DID, more I was changing and evolving but other people were staying the same. I don’t blame them nor myself, C’est la vie… :)